How (Not) to Kill a Roommate

Some advice:
1. Usually, when sharing things with a roommate, certain sections of the refrigerator should be portioned off for your use and their use. If, for some reason, your roommate has forgotten which drink is his or how to make spaghetti sauce without using your vegetables, simply provide a strong electric current directly into the metal wiring of your shelf and leave several damp beer cans in clear view. This problem will solve itself.
2. An apartment can become quite dirty when a roommate forgets to take the time needed to pass a broom, mop, or vacuum cleaner over a carpet or uncovered floor. Encourage him to make it his business to keep things clean and tidy by reminding him of the potential for rats and roaches in an unkempt home. If this point remains unheeded, a small sampling of rats or roaches in, say, a knapsack, cereal box, or soap dish can bring this situation to an effective conclusion.
3. Everyone has a special cup or set of plates that are for use only on special occasions. Sometimes, a roommate can forget about your rule regarding usage and cleaning of certain glasses, china plates, and utensils. At such moments, it is not unwise to consider removing all of the dishes, cups, silverware, and the like which bears his name or is under the auspices of a family gift or heirloom. An added bonus here is that it provides more space for you in the drawers and cabinets.
4. Finally, there is the matter of dating. This is a sensitive issue that must be handled delicately in order that there are no red faces the next day. A special lady deserves to know just what your roommate is all about, as does the roommate’s girlfriend and parents. A handy list of previous encounters on index cards can provide an easy means of reference to likes, dislikes, and particular habits before the romance of the evening stalls without the presence of such a conversation piece. Of course, this can be created using the information taken from your roommate’s journal, parents and ex-girlfriends. It will give you all something to talk about in the weeks to come.